At the Oktoberfest Despite being Scottish, I rarely drink in the afternoon.
Make Mine A Mass - oh and get us a packet of vinger crisps too.
People have often asked me, when is the Oktoberfest and the surprising answers is the last two weeks of September and the first two weeks of October. This is such a popular festival that Bavarian television broadcasts the beer festival all day and then fills the news with Oktoberfest material. Now I would have thought that a tv broadcast about people drinking beer and eating Brezeln, Weiswurst and Senf (that's pretzels white sausage and mustard, although to compare any German Wurst to a sausage is a bit like comparing The Parthenon to a sandcastle) would not gather a large audience. But apparently all those elderly citizens, of which this country appears to have an inexhaustable supply, watch the fest on the telly. The broadcasts have a straightforward formula.

Interviewer (who could be anyone as long as they are Bavarian) "Hello everyone and welcome to -...insert beer hall... with us is special guest ... introduce any celebrity at all as long as she is wearing a traditional Drndle with her decolletage reaching for the moon ... .

Interviewer to celebrity, "Well, what is your favourite part of the Oktoberfest?"

Celebrity "Oh I love the Beer and the Brezln and the Senf and I like to watch everyone enjoying themselves and I also like listening to the very traditional music."

CUE CHEER FROM BAND WHO ALL WAVE HALF-EMPTY MASS ( the big 1.5 litre glass which is plural and singular all at the same time.)

Interviewer: "and now lets talk to the public"
Waves his microphone at a typical German Oktoberfest pilgrim.

Interviewer. "How much have you had to drink?"

Pilgrim. "Oh not too much, I'm a German."

Interviewer turns to an obvious German Student.

Interwiewer. "How much have you had to drink?"

German Student. " I have had rather a large amount of beer, because after all I am a German Student. But I have not managed to keep up with my friend, Rab, who is not a German."

Rab from Scotland needs no prompting. "Hey, see this Oktoberfest an' that, aw itz grate, yoose Germans are grate, kos, no, inat itz such a grate idee hivvin a big booze up, fur a hale month tae. Itz like a marathon ind a pertie combined. No, if A hud kent aboot this afore, A d've been oer heir afore this ken? Oh un they sausage suppers ur pure dead brilliant, A hiv never tasted sae much meat in a sausage supper, before, certinly naw in Govan onywae."

German student informatively. "Rab its not a sausage supper."

Rab, increduled. "Whit? Is it naw? Nae kidding? Whit is then? White puddin? Is that why thurs nae chips wi it?"

Interviewer, mistaking Glaswegian for Dutch. "So have you come all the way from the Nederland for the Oktoberfest"

Rab from Scotland. "The Nether Lands did yee say. I tell yee whit, twa mair o' them beers and A'll be in right the Nether lands in so wull ma nether regions!"

* * *

As a result of the strange effect the Greens have had on politics, every resusable piece of crockery has thumping deposit on it. In fact even disposable plastic bottles have a deposit on them. Cost of a bottle of water 19 cents. Cost of the deposit 25 cents!

This is not without its advantage at the Oktoberfest as Japanese tourists - to whom deposits and recycling are apparently alien concepts - inevitably walk away from a table brimming with their used plates glasses and cutlery. Last time I was at Oktoberfest, the Japanese lost deposits paid for more than enough food and drink to keep us happy for hours.

* * *

Finally I should not forget to mention the remarkable serving staff who are dressed in traditional Drndles and have giant muscular bosoms. They are called Bavarias. Now I can't be sure if that's pejorative or not, but the are often described as brewery horses on account of the fact that they can carry easily, ten Mass of foaming beer to a table without spilling a drop.

No doubt they are also in some way responsible for there being little trouble in pubs, they could easily throw ten drunken students out into the street - five collars in each hand.